Wednesday, November 10, 2004

All depressed up and no place to groan...

Why is that I can't ever seem to STAY upbeat? This is really beginning
to depress me. With no reason behind it, I had a huge anxiety attack
last night, and then one long low-level one until I finnally managed to
get a few hours sleep. I know it's the week before my ad booking
deadline, and things are busy, but that's GOOD news.

So why do I feel like I'm ready to just give up and hibernate for the

And I can't show it to my boss, or things will get asked. I can't show
it to my co-workers, one has a knife out for me as it is. Welcome to
advertising. I can't show it to my clients...say it with me..."what

As good as my wife is, I caught her crying in the kitchen quietly last
night. I don't want to put this on her. I know she's scared, I am too.
But her mom died last christmas, and guess what's coming up? And putting
it off on the kids...gets family and child services called I bet, not
that I would want to. I'm snippy enough these days.

I look at myself in the mirror and don't know who the heck I am anymore.
And I don't like the guy looking back at me, because is sure as hell
isn't me over there. But it is, and that's the problem. Chemical
imbalances and hormone levels aside, am I really like this? Am I some
selfish bastard that has no conscience, no feeling at all, no inner
light anymore? Is there anything happy in the world anymore?

I watched a news story about a husband who went looking for a farm to
buy to move his family to the Ottawa Valley last night. While he was
away, there was a fire. His house burned down. His eight children and
pregnant wife were inside. I think I'm glad I'm not a fireman anymore. I
cried through the story. And then when my son smacked his head on the
table hard enough to shake the house, I felt nothing but irritation.
What the hell is that? He's my SON for crying out loud.

Who is that man in the mirror? I don't like him. Somebody get him out of
my house, he's a animal, a predator, a time-bomb waiting to explode. But can't. I know that face. I shaved it this morning. God help
me, it's me...

What is wrong with me?

I'm so scared...can I go home now? Somebody wake me up so I can go home...