Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Nobody told me there'd be days like these...

Strange days indeed...

Today, there are officially 17 days until Christmas. It's snowed, there's white stuff all around like there should be, and there's a festive feeling in the air.

So why is it that people keep pulling me over in hallways and shopping courts to give me news they KNOW I don't want to hear? And they aren't even the slightest bit upset that it's bad news, they just say it and that's it. A smile, a handshake, a pat on the shoulder, and Merry Effing Christmas to you too.

Add to that the pressure at work (happens every December), and you can tell the mood I'm in. Normally, I'd have something scathingly sarcastic to say with a wink and a nod, but these people are clients, and I don't DARE offend them, even if they don't much care how they treat me. So I smile, I nod, and I go and buy a lottery ticket, and hope to heaven that I win the 16 million tonight. Because if I don't, quite frankly, I don't know what's going to happen. Actually, I do know what's going to happen, and it's bad.


The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

All depressed up and no place to groan...

Why is that I can't ever seem to STAY upbeat? This is really beginning
to depress me. With no reason behind it, I had a huge anxiety attack
last night, and then one long low-level one until I finnally managed to
get a few hours sleep. I know it's the week before my ad booking
deadline, and things are busy, but that's GOOD news.

So why do I feel like I'm ready to just give up and hibernate for the

And I can't show it to my boss, or things will get asked. I can't show
it to my co-workers, one has a knife out for me as it is. Welcome to
advertising. I can't show it to my clients...say it with me..."what

As good as my wife is, I caught her crying in the kitchen quietly last
night. I don't want to put this on her. I know she's scared, I am too.
But her mom died last christmas, and guess what's coming up? And putting
it off on the kids...gets family and child services called I bet, not
that I would want to. I'm snippy enough these days.

I look at myself in the mirror and don't know who the heck I am anymore.
And I don't like the guy looking back at me, because is sure as hell
isn't me over there. But it is, and that's the problem. Chemical
imbalances and hormone levels aside, am I really like this? Am I some
selfish bastard that has no conscience, no feeling at all, no inner
light anymore? Is there anything happy in the world anymore?

I watched a news story about a husband who went looking for a farm to
buy to move his family to the Ottawa Valley last night. While he was
away, there was a fire. His house burned down. His eight children and
pregnant wife were inside. I think I'm glad I'm not a fireman anymore. I
cried through the story. And then when my son smacked his head on the
table hard enough to shake the house, I felt nothing but irritation.
What the hell is that? He's my SON for crying out loud.

Who is that man in the mirror? I don't like him. Somebody get him out of
my house, he's a animal, a predator, a time-bomb waiting to explode. But can't. I know that face. I shaved it this morning. God help
me, it's me...

What is wrong with me?

I'm so scared...can I go home now? Somebody wake me up so I can go home...

Friday, October 08, 2004

Doctors and Specialists...

My low opinion of my Endocrinologist was given a strange but heartening confirmation. She sent me to the Vascular diagnostic center to check for vascular disease because, of course according to her, I'm just fat and I probably have high cholesterol blocking my arteries so that my brain doesn't get enough blood and thus oxygen.

I asked the technician that did the ultrasound on my neck and head (through the eye's very strange) if I had hardening of the arteries or such constrictions, and she not only said "NO" but told me I have very clear and open arteries and veins. In other words, the rude lady endocrinologist was WRONG. That's both heartening and frightening.

It's heartening because I know that she's wrong and it's not just bad diet and that I'm not "fat" or something. She's just like the other doctors that can't see past the end of their noses and took me 11 years to convince that I actually might have a different problem. And it took a crisis that put me in the hospital to get taken seriously. I guess that's the medical version of a "clock-watcher."

It's frightening because of why I was sent to the vascular clinic. The theory that Wonder-Doctor gave me was that because I was fat, cholesterol was blocking my carotids from supplying enough blood to the brain and why I slurred my speech one day talking in the kitchen. Of course, that's been disproved now. So she's sent me to a neurologist next to make sure it wasn't a stroke or some nerve disorder. At least a full workup is being done now, and that's a blessing I suppose.

Funny I haven't heard from the Cardiologist yet. Maybe they saw the chest X-Ray that showed my heart was healthy and normal sized and laughed the request out of the office. That x-ray shows that I don't have Cardiovascular disease, or there would be scarring or the heart tissue and swelling of the heart muscle. Come on lady, even *I* know that. I wonder if she's figured out I know as much about some of these things as she does, because I took the same physiology courses she did?

I'm extremely curious to know what the blood and urine tests showed about the cortisol and other steroid levels in my blood. You'd think with a CT and an ultrasound that BOTH show an adrenal adenoma style of enlargement of the adrenal gland, she'd pay more attention to the blood tests rather than just insult my intelligence and my weight.

Incidentally, my weight is continuing to decrease. That would normally be good, but my waistline is NOT decreasing, which means the upper-body weight gain is continuing. The loss is coming from muscle mass in my legs and arms. I can sense it happening when I walk and when I work out at the gym. The weights should be getting easier to lift over time, and the distances I walk should bring less pain to my legs, not more.

Oh, you're fat and need to lose weight. Indeed.

Doctor, and I use the term loosely here, I would like to know where you obtained your medical degree. And I swear...if you tell me "a box of Shreddies" I'm gonna sue your skinny behind for all it's worth. Which isn't much, I'd bet. You're anorexic. You need to gain some weight, lady. You don't look healthy at all. ::evilly sarcastic grin::

The True Samurai has only one judge of honor, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (honor)

Sunday, September 26, 2004

I feel so tired...

How does that song go? "It's a long long road, with many a winding turn..."

I have to admit that there are times I have to wonder if it's all worth the trip, to be honest. Backbiting co-workers, a high-stress dead-end job I would rather chew glass than do at times (not that I don't do it, I do, that's why it's high stress), people that clearly have malicious intent toward me (and I have proof in their own writing), it wears on you.

After another afternoon with chest pains that at least one doctor thinks might be angina (I hope not), I'm really beginning to wonder where I went wrong. I've thought about it, and I can think of a few possible places, but who knew at the time?

I know a lot of the heavy heart is part and parcel of some of the other health challenges I face at the moment. KNowing that, however, doesn't make the chest pain or the blurred vision go away. Or the high blood pressure.

There are things I love to do. One is do graphics, the other is do web design. I would love to be able to take one or two courses to improve my skill with graphics, and I would love to get my papers for web design. I just love the feeling of satisfaction I get when I look at the result of some honest effort and applied knowledge. But I never seem to get the time, and even if I did, where would I get the customers? Everyone wants everything for nothing now anyway. No one has any money to pay for stuff, and you end up doing a load of volunteer work in your off-hours that people give you nothing but headaches for. (Well, that's not everyone, true.)

I'm just tired of it.

And there isn't anyone to say "he ain't heavy, he's my brother" or help at the end of the day. The old saying goes, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Sure seems like it, anyway. Maybe I'd feel better if I could just get some rest...

The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Monday, September 20, 2004

Doctors are just "practicing..."

Well, another round of consults, another round of tests. The surgeon specialist feels very confident that I have Cushing's Disease. The endocrinologist specialist thinks that the surgeon is wrong. She was pretty rude about calling me fat, I thought. Just for everyone's info, I am NOT grossly obese in the medical sense. I am overweight, and I do eat a low-fat, lowish cholesterol diet. I can't lose the upper body fat no matter how hard I try. My family doctor feels that it's medical at this point, but being a GP, the only thing she can do is refer me to specialists for more tests. I AM about 40-50 pounds overweigt for my size. That's only moderate obesity, and most medical texts I've consulted say that if fatty liver disease exists, then upper-body weight gain is likely a medical condition associated with the adrenal glands.

One report says Adrenal Adenoma, a fancy term for a swollen adrenal gland. Given my higher-than-normal blood pressure, rapid mood swings, constant depression, facial rash, upper-body weight-gain, striae (aka stretch marks), and everything else, I bet my blood test comes back showing high cortisol levels. That will prove Cushings.

And the Endocrinologist and her bedside manner can go fly a kite. With every classic symptom of the syndrome, she rules it out and calls me fat? Whatever. Then she said something SO funny I just have to comment. "But we need to remove your right adrenal gland just in case." Is she kidding?

And that's why she's PRACTICING medicine. She's not actually DOING medicine, she's just practicing.

God give me strength. Please. I think you can see why. ::shakes head::

(For those of you that might condemn me for taking the Lord's name in vain, I include YOU in the reasons for the above sincere prayer.)

The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Aaaaarr, Mateys!

I am regretting it today, but I sure didn't last night...I stayed up a little late to finish watching Pirates of he Carribean. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen in quite a while. I'll not give the plot away, but I laughed until I was blue from lack of oxygen, and you can ask my wife about that!

On other fronts, I just won a free lottery ticket for the second time in a row on lotto 649. I don't think before this run I've ever won anything off of lotto 649. Well, we can always hope it's the big one this time.

Anyways, it's coffee time...that is, to go pick up the special order coffee :) Jamaican Rum flavour! Mmmm!

The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Shiny and new...

This Blog thing is something keen. I suppose all the newness will wear
off at some point, but I have to say that it seems like a good way to
get some things out of one's system.

Too bad I can't just use this to get my blood pressure below 165/100.
That would be the ultimate. But then, the surgeon said that I'll feel
normal again after they remove the right adrenal gland.

Want to scare yourself? Google the words "Cushing's Disease" and read on.


Another Day, Another Dollar

I'm not having a good day.

I have to admit, I really don't feel well. I feel rather like I'm overheating, except my toes, which are freezing. I have this headache I've had since I woke up on Monday (not a hangover, I promise), and there's sweat on the back of my neck. I'm beginning to wonder if the Surgeon's office is ever going to call to schedule my bloodwork. They were very quick with the CAT scan and X-Ray (less than a week, and that's somewhat of a miracle in Ontario), but nothing since then. I know no news is good news, but this is starting to wear thin.

Add to that, the idea that one of my major clients is not giving me the information I need to do the job for them in a timely fashion. With blood pressure of 170/110 baseline these days, I'm amazed I haven't stroked out or something.

I guess there's a small upside...I work from home, and no one cares what I look like on the phone as long as the job gets done. If I have to go out, that's fine, I can get dressed. I have to admit, I get a small charge out of talking business with some of my potential advertisers in my housecoat and flip-flop sandals. And I doubt my boss cares too, as long as I'm ON the phone prospecting for new business for him. Ah, contract work...

All in all, I guess it's not as bad as I first thought.

After all, I'm sitting up, and that's an improvement from the weekend.

And even if I couldn't, I can use the laptop and do SOME work from bed.

Not a bad state of affairs if you don't mind feeling like you're being warmed over in the microwave...that is, heated from the inside out...

I guess there's always air conditioning.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Trying new things...

Well, I've often wondered what this would be. It's probably a nice place to vent about life or just plain get stuff out of my system.

I really don't know if anyone reads things like this, but if they do, I hope they can at least relate or get a way or another.