I feel so tired...

How does that song go? "It's a long long road, with many a winding turn..."

I have to admit that there are times I have to wonder if it's all worth the trip, to be honest. Backbiting co-workers, a high-stress dead-end job I would rather chew glass than do at times (not that I don't do it, I do, that's why it's high stress), people that clearly have malicious intent toward me (and I have proof in their own writing), it wears on you.

After another afternoon with chest pains that at least one doctor thinks might be angina (I hope not), I'm really beginning to wonder where I went wrong. I've thought about it, and I can think of a few possible places, but who knew at the time?

I know a lot of the heavy heart is part and parcel of some of the other health challenges I face at the moment. KNowing that, however, doesn't make the chest pain or the blurred vision go away. Or the high blood pressure.

There are things I love to do. One is do graphics, the other is do web design. I would love to be able to take one or two courses to improve my skill with graphics, and I would love to get my papers for web design. I just love the feeling of satisfaction I get when I look at the result of some honest effort and applied knowledge. But I never seem to get the time, and even if I did, where would I get the customers? Everyone wants everything for nothing now anyway. No one has any money to pay for stuff, and you end up doing a load of volunteer work in your off-hours that people give you nothing but headaches for. (Well, that's not everyone, true.)

I'm just tired of it.

And there isn't anyone to say "he ain't heavy, he's my brother" or help at the end of the day. The old saying goes, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Sure seems like it, anyway. Maybe I'd feel better if I could just get some rest...

--
The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)