I feel so tired...

How does that song go? "It's a long long road, with many a winding turn..."

I have to admit that there are times I have to wonder if it's all worth the trip, to be honest. Backbiting co-workers, a high-stress dead-end job I would rather chew glass than do at times (not that I don't do it, I do, that's why it's high stress), people that clearly have malicious intent toward me (and I have proof in their own writing), it wears on you.

After another afternoon with chest pains that at least one doctor thinks might be angina (I hope not), I'm really beginning to wonder where I went wrong. I've thought about it, and I can think of a few possible places, but who knew at the time?

I know a lot of the heavy heart is part and parcel of some of the other health challenges I face at the moment. KNowing that, however, doesn't make the chest pain or the blurred vision go away. Or the high blood pressure.

There are things I love to do. One is do graphics, the other is do web design. I would love to be able to take one or two courses to improve my skill with graphics, and I would love to get my papers for web design. I just love the feeling of satisfaction I get when I look at the result of some honest effort and applied knowledge. But I never seem to get the time, and even if I did, where would I get the customers? Everyone wants everything for nothing now anyway. No one has any money to pay for stuff, and you end up doing a load of volunteer work in your off-hours that people give you nothing but headaches for. (Well, that's not everyone, true.)

I'm just tired of it.

And there isn't anyone to say "he ain't heavy, he's my brother" or help at the end of the day. The old saying goes, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Sure seems like it, anyway. Maybe I'd feel better if I could just get some rest...

--
The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Doctors are just "practicing..."

Well, another round of consults, another round of tests. The surgeon specialist feels very confident that I have Cushing's Disease. The endocrinologist specialist thinks that the surgeon is wrong. She was pretty rude about calling me fat, I thought. Just for everyone's info, I am NOT grossly obese in the medical sense. I am overweight, and I do eat a low-fat, lowish cholesterol diet. I can't lose the upper body fat no matter how hard I try. My family doctor feels that it's medical at this point, but being a GP, the only thing she can do is refer me to specialists for more tests. I AM about 40-50 pounds overweigt for my size. That's only moderate obesity, and most medical texts I've consulted say that if fatty liver disease exists, then upper-body weight gain is likely a medical condition associated with the adrenal glands.

One report says Adrenal Adenoma, a fancy term for a swollen adrenal gland. Given my higher-than-normal blood pressure, rapid mood swings, constant depression, facial rash, upper-body weight-gain, striae (aka stretch marks), and everything else, I bet my blood test comes back showing high cortisol levels. That will prove Cushings.

And the Endocrinologist and her bedside manner can go fly a kite. With every classic symptom of the syndrome, she rules it out and calls me fat? Whatever. Then she said something SO funny I just have to comment. "But we need to remove your right adrenal gland just in case." Is she kidding?

And that's why she's PRACTICING medicine. She's not actually DOING medicine, she's just practicing.

God give me strength. Please. I think you can see why. ::shakes head::

(For those of you that might condemn me for taking the Lord's name in vain, I include YOU in the reasons for the above sincere prayer.)

--
The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Aaaaarr, Mateys!

I am regretting it today, but I sure didn't last night...I stayed up a little late to finish watching Pirates of he Carribean. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen in quite a while. I'll not give the plot away, but I laughed until I was blue from lack of oxygen, and you can ask my wife about that!

On other fronts, I just won a free lottery ticket for the second time in a row on lotto 649. I don't think before this run I've ever won anything off of lotto 649. Well, we can always hope it's the big one this time.

Anyways, it's coffee time...that is, to go pick up the special order coffee :) Jamaican Rum flavour! Mmmm!

--
The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.
Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a
reflection of whom you really are.
You cannot Hide from yourself.
-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)

Shiny and new...

This Blog thing is something keen. I suppose all the newness will wear
off at some point, but I have to say that it seems like a good way to
get some things out of one's system.

Too bad I can't just use this to get my blood pressure below 165/100.
That would be the ultimate. But then, the surgeon said that I'll feel
normal again after they remove the right adrenal gland.

Want to scare yourself? Google the words "Cushing's Disease" and read on.

Wild.

Another Day, Another Dollar

I'm not having a good day.

I have to admit, I really don't feel well. I feel rather like I'm overheating, except my toes, which are freezing. I have this headache I've had since I woke up on Monday (not a hangover, I promise), and there's sweat on the back of my neck. I'm beginning to wonder if the Surgeon's office is ever going to call to schedule my bloodwork. They were very quick with the CAT scan and X-Ray (less than a week, and that's somewhat of a miracle in Ontario), but nothing since then. I know no news is good news, but this is starting to wear thin.

Add to that, the idea that one of my major clients is not giving me the information I need to do the job for them in a timely fashion. With blood pressure of 170/110 baseline these days, I'm amazed I haven't stroked out or something.

I guess there's a small upside...I work from home, and no one cares what I look like on the phone as long as the job gets done. If I have to go out, that's fine, I can get dressed. I have to admit, I get a small charge out of talking business with some of my potential advertisers in my housecoat and flip-flop sandals. And I doubt my boss cares too, as long as I'm ON the phone prospecting for new business for him. Ah, contract work...

All in all, I guess it's not as bad as I first thought.

After all, I'm sitting up, and that's an improvement from the weekend.

And even if I couldn't, I can use the laptop and do SOME work from bed.

Not a bad state of affairs if you don't mind feeling like you're being warmed over in the microwave...that is, heated from the inside out...

I guess there's always air conditioning.

Trying new things...

Well, I've often wondered what this would be. It's probably a nice place to vent about life or just plain get stuff out of my system.

I really don't know if anyone reads things like this, but if they do, I hope they can at least relate or get a laugh...one way or another.