The ebb and flow of life...

It's been a while since my last post. I'm feeling a little philosophical and a little depressed. I suppose that's part of what I think of as the ebb and flow of life. Everyone goes through these experiences without exception, and I realized that some years ago when my wife's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Ultimately, that disease took Mary's life, and it hurt. It was awful, and it was disorienting for a while. Then my mom's partner Don was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and it was a little closer to home. It hurt, I cried, I made a special donation to Relay for Life, I got my head shaved to raise money, and other things.

Now it's my dad. Dad is fighting throat cancer (tonsils), and has turned down the surgical option. At first I didn't understand why, but then I found out what it entailed - They would have to remove all of his teeth, possibly his lower jaw, and he would never eat or speak with his mouth again - all with only a 30% chance of success. He chose to not go out like that, and I respect that. They offered him instead what they are referring to as a palliative care only option, which is 20 radiation treatments (he's had 12 as of today). The way the doctor explained it to his partner, this might give him a few months at best.

Some necessary backstory here: before February of this year, my dad and I hadn't spoken in 20 years, by mutual choice. Without going into the details, it wasn't a great thing. So when he agreed to speak with me, I was elated (and so was he!). One thing I am glad of here - this was before this cancer diagnosis - and that means we reconciled because we wanted to, not because of this disease, and no one can take that away from us. In May, he came to visit with his partner, and they met my wife and children for the first time. To be fair, I think he thought there might be something wrong then, just from something he did, but I don't know I'll ever know that for sure (and I can't make myself ask). But I knew there was something wrong then, and encouraged him to seek a diagnosis. He was snoring while he was awake and watching TV.

So now I have precious little time to get ready for what will be a great tragedy, barring some kind of miracle. I do believe in them, but if I think about it, I already got one when he came to visit me and meet his grandchildren, who adopted him immediately! They adopted his partner too as another grandma! It was really neat to watch.

I just can't let the situation pass without comment. Sometimes, it just helps to write it down. I don't know that I feel better, but I do feel at peace with whatever happens. I've been here before. I'll be here again. Like the tides of the ocean, I see the ebb and flow of life.

--The True Samurai has only one judge of honour, and this is himself.

Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a reflection of whom you really are.

You cannot Hide from yourself.

-The Bushido Code, Meiyo (Honour)